


Winter Song

by ItsTeatimeSomewhere



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Christmas, Christmas Caroling, Fluff and Angst, Illnesses, M/M, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-05
Updated: 2015-02-05
Packaged: 2018-03-10 16:04:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3296396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItsTeatimeSomewhere/pseuds/ItsTeatimeSomewhere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry thought he had moved on, had created a life free of Louis Tomlinson. When Christmas caroling goes awry, however, he discovers how wrong he really was. </p><p> </p><p>  <i> Somehow, Harry stood up and now meets Louis, eye-to-eye, still in the tiny stall. A thought runs through his head, and he realizes that Louis is a few inches shorter than him. His eyes still sparkle as blue as they did long ago, but this time they’re sparkling with tears instead of happiness.</i><br/>“I…there’s nothing for me to say except I’m sorry. I regret everything I did to you, and I can’t imagine the pain you’ve been through,” Louis whispers, completely broken. “Is there any way we could be friends?”<br/>Harry is shocked. “No, Louis, we can’t be. There’s nothing left between us but old memories and pain.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Winter Song

**Author's Note:**

  * For [graced](https://archiveofourown.org/users/graced/gifts).



> I hope you enjoy this dear! This is based off the song "Winter Song" by Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson. I highly suggest listening to it, it's a great song!! Thank you once again to Meaghan who is the best beta in the world and helps me so much wow I love you Meaghan ur a doll xoxo

 

It was dark, and Harry was alone. Of course, not literally, but Harry had never felt more alone than in the house full of flashing lights and writhing bodies. Liam was nowhere to be found, and he was Harry's only connection to anyone at this party. 

Except for Louis.

Louis, who Harry had met on the quad, smiling and giggling at Harry's headscarf. The past four weeks (of course Harry kept track) had been the best of Harry's life; curling up on Louis' couch with a bottle of wine and every Molly Ringwald movie ever made. They swapped kisses and stories, laughing at Louis' sisters' antics and Harry's mum's texting skills.

Of course, it was like being in a little bubble of happiness and love; inevitably, they had to face the outside world. Tonight, at Nick's "end of the semester” party, Harry wanted to pop that bubble. There would be nothing more wonderful than holding hands with Louis in public, dancing with him at clubs, and taking him out to the nicest restaurants Harry could afford on a music student's budget. 

After a few shots of liquid courage, Harry made his way to search for Louis. Not that Nick's flat was that big, but with the loud, pumping bass and constantly shifting energy, Harry could barely see the people right around him. Finally, he spots Louis, surrounded by Stan and his other football mates. 

"Louis!" He shouted, giving an awkward wave to make his presence known. Louis looked up and Harry caught a slight smile before he schooled his expression. 

"Harry, what do you want?" His tone was a little clipped for Harry's liking, but Louis was probably just stressed about his exam results. That's it.

"Let's dance! I wanna dance with you!"

Stan and the other boys laughed, and Harry didn’t see what was so funny. 

"Louis, why don't you go dance with your little boy toy!" One boy in the group shouted. The rest laugh some more. Louis' face turned red.

Harry didn’t exactly know why the boys found this so amusing, but Louis made to stand up so he thought it couldn’t be that bad. 

"Harry," Louis muttered under his breath, "can we talk?"

Harry nodded fervently. Anything for Louis. 

Grabbing his arm, Louis pulled them both into a little bathroom off of the main room. The fluorescent lightbulb was sharp and bright compared to the dim, heady atmosphere outside. 

"What do you need, Lou?" Harry asked, smiling at his boy.

"You can't....I mean, you understand, yeah? That you can't just do something like that?" Louis struggled to speak, as if the words were controlling him.

"No, I don't understand..." This was not the conversation Harry was expecting.

"Those are my footie mates. If they find out about...us...it would be the end of me."

What? "What?" Harry balked, "wait, are you breaking up with me?" Anger suddenly flooded his vision. Maybe it was the alcohol, but Louis was saying such absurd things.

Louis scoffed. "Harry, love, we were never together."

Harry grew silent at that. How could this be happening? His head was spinning, or maybe it was the tiny bathroom. He leant against the sink. "Are you...are you serious? What were all those nights? The dinners? I mean...how can you say we weren't dating? You talked about our future! I wanted to move in with you after graduation!"

"Harry, you've got to understand. If I want to become a pro player, I can't be gay! A relationship like that could fuck up my career, and was it really worth it?"

"Of course it was worth it! You were my world!" Harry thought he might be crying, but one can never know in situations like this. Girls usually cry during movies when the couple breaks up, right? Crying was probably a warranted response. He wiped his eyes. 

"I'm sorry--"

"Like hell you are. Don't fucking lie to me, Louis! You hate yourself more than you love me, and I can't believe I fell for that!"

Louis took a step back, hand curling in the towel hanging on the wall behind him. "Well at least I'm not a naive child," he replied, his voice cold and calm.

Harry was crushed. "Love is not naive. I thought I meant something to you; apparently I was wrong."

Taking a deep breath, he broke eye contact with the boy of his dreams and yanked open the door, diving back into the party. He didn't once look back.

**************

Kira will not stop screaming, and it is Harry's fault. After all, he had agreed to watch Kira while Gemma and her husband were on their cruise, and he had gone and caught a cold, which he probably could have prevented. Liam was always telling him to button his shirts, maybe he should have listened.

Of course, the real reason Kira was sprawled out on the floor with tear tracks down her face was that she couldn't go caroling. Of all things, apparently Kira had been looking forward to going caroling in sub-zero temperatures with her uncle. Harry doesn't understand her. Liam is barricaded in his room, studying for economics, and Harry is valiantly attempting to console Kira, who will not be distracted from the situation.

"Kira," Harry wheedles, "what about watching TV? There's a Ninja Turtles marathon on! We could watch that!"

"I don't want the stupid Ninja Turtles!!!" Kira wails, flopping over onto her stomach, "I want to sing Christmas carols!"

Harry runs a hand through his hair. "...We could sing them inside? I'll get Liam to play the piano?"

Kira just shakes her head. Soon after, Liam pokes his head out the door. 

"Harry?" He asks, looking tired, "is there any way you can control her? Finals start tomorrow, and this class will kill me if I don't finish the study guide."

"Can't you see I'm trying?" Harry groans, patting Kira's head.

Liam gives Harry the biggest puppy dog eyes ever, almost matching Kira's. Struggling with his desire to stay warm and cozy and healthy with his desire for Liam to not kill him and Kira to sleep, Harry finally relents.

"Fine, let's go caroling." Kira cheers and Liam lets out a small smile. "But, we’re going to get bundled up and only go for a little while."

Not even her biggest coat and furriest hat could dissuade Kira from the adventure they were about to embark upon. From what Harry could get, carolers had visited Gemma's house the other day and were given hot cocoa and candy canes. Apparently the drive for mint and chocolate was too good of an opportunity for Kira to pass up. 

Harry, too, put on his largest coat and fuzziest scarf, and, after a bit more begging, convinced Liam to come and help supervise. Once they are all out the door, Kira bounds down the snowy street not unlike a golden retriever off its leash. Every once in a while, she will stop in front of a house, tilt her head, and either walk to the door or skip right past it. Some houses are just not "right" for caroling.

They are a few houses in when Harry first feels the coughs. He powers through, trying to give some rhythm to Kira's enthusiastic renditions of "Hark, the Herald Angels Sing" and "Jingle Bells." Liam joins in every once in a while, but spends the majority of the time checking his phone with shivering fingers. 

Finally, they reach a small townhouse a few blocks down, and Harry declares that this will be the last house. Kira responds that the last house will be whenever she decides. Harry chooses not to argue, a wise decision, he thinks. Kira raps her mitten-clad hand on the wooden door, waiting patiently and trying not to get snow in her eyes. The door opens, and a smiling blonde man greets them.

"Hello, little lady!" He says, Irish accent loud and clear. "And how may I help you today?"

"We're carolers," Kira responds promptly, "please enjoy some carols and then invite us in for cocoa!" 

The man looks up at Harry and Liam, who smile as if to say "please humour her."

"Carolers? Why, no one has ever caroled for us!" He turns back into the house and shouts "Zayn! Louis! We've got company!"

The name sends a shiver down Harry's back, but he ignores it. There's got to be more than one Louis in all of Greater Manchester. Also, that was his past. He's moved on. Definitely.

With a raise of her arms, Kira breaks into "The Christmas Song."

_"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose,"_

Harry and Liam join in as two figures approach the door. " _Yuletide carols being sung by a choir, and folks dressed up like Eskimos."_ Kira gives a twirl in her coat.

 _"Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe, help to make the season bright,"_ Harry sees one of the boys, with darker features, rest his chin on the blonde boy's shoulder. He still can't see the other's face. _"Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow, will find it hard to sleep tonight."_

The boy moves his face out of the shadows, and Harry freezes. Sharp nose, piercing eyes, ruffled hair, he knows this face. He knew it, at least. 

Kira begins: _"they know that Santa's on his way,"_ and Harry attempts to join in, but inhales too quickly and begins to cough up what seems to be his lungs. Liam immediately stops singing as Harry grabs his shoulder to try and stay balanced. 

Kira keeps on singing.

"Damn, are you okay, mate?" The blonde asks, reaching forward to grab Harry's arm. 

"Eh, sorry, but do you think we could come in for a mo'?" Liam asks, smiling sheepishly. 

The blonde man nods, and Harry tries to control his cough as he takes Kira's hand and follows the Louis and the two others into the house. They reach a small living room with two plush, red couches and the blonde motions for Harry to lie down on one. Louis still hasn't made eye contact.

Liam reaches forward to press his hand to Harry's forehead as Kira busies herself with shedding her jacket and other outerwear. "Shit, Harry," he mutters, "you're burning up."

Harry just moans in response. 

The dark-haired boy with sharp features rushes back with a bag of frozen peas, and introduces himself as Zayn and the blonde as Niall.

“Sorry, guys,” Harry gets out between coughs. His rasping throat makes him sound like a chain-smoker, and Kira runs to his side.

“Hair-man,” she asks, and Harry smiles at the nickname. “Why are you sick?”

“Don’t worry, Kiwi, I’ll be better soon.” He turns away as coughs once again wrack his body. Louis, coming forward for the first time, offers to take her into the kitchen for some peppermint candies. Liam gives a grateful smile as Harry breathes heavily.

“She’s got to go to bed soon,” he begins, attempting to stand. “We’d better get going.”

Niall laughs and pushes his shoulders back down. “Like hell you’re leaving. You wouldn’t make it home alive.”

Liam makes a face and starts to grab Kira’s things. “Yeah, but she’s really got to get to bed, so we’ll have to leave—“

“He can kip on our couch for the night, no worries,” Niall reassures, motioning to Zayn to grab a blanket. Louis still hasn’t moved from his perch on the armchair, although he does step in.

“Ni, he doesn’t seem that bad. It’s probably just a little cough, and he would be infinitely more comfortable in a bed instead of this shitty couch.”

Liam nods as he shoves Kira’s tiny hands into her tiny mittens. “He’s right. Sorry, mate, didn’t catch your name?”

“Louis.”

“You can’t be serious, Lou,” Zayn says calmly. “If you’re so concerned about his comfort, he’ll take your room. But we’re not letting him back outside.”

Louis harrumphs. With Kira all bundled up, Liam gives Harry one last pitiful glance. “Call us when you wake up, yeah? Then we can see about getting you some antibiotics.” He nods at Niall, Zayn and Louis. “Thanks again, guys, this is such a great help. I hope he isn’t too much of a bother.”

“Oh!” Niall says, grabbing Liam’s arm. “Let me give you my number! We’ll call you if anything happens to him.” He yanks Liam’s sleeve up, scrawling a series of numbers on Liam’s forearm. “Have a nice walk home!”

Liam nods, and Kira wishes them all a “Happy Christmas!!!” No one wants to be the one to remind her that Christmas was two weeks ago.

Once Liam and Kira leave, Louis abruptly gets up and leaves to room. Harry sighs, trying not to set off his coughs again. Makes sense that Louis wouldn’t want to deal with him. He wasn’t all too keen on talking to his former flame himself. Niall flopped back into an armchair as Zayn muttered something about blankets.

“So, Harry,” Niall begins, “what’s your story?”

Harry shivers. “Well, I work at a music shop part time, and I’m taking some courses for a masters. Um, I guess that’s it?”

“No, you doof. Tell me your story. Not your resume. Like, what do you like? What do you dream of? What makes you smile, what makes you cry?”

Harry thinks. He’s never really thought about that kind of stuff. Sure, he’d love to make music someday, but he also wants to support his family—hence the master’s degree. But…is that really a dream?

“I guess I just want to be happy, y’know?” Harry mutters, throwing off all the blankets as they suddenly seem choking. “Isn’t that what everyone wants?”

“Not everyone can get it, though,” Louis says, walking back in with a steaming mug. He hands the mug to Harry with a grimace, returning to his perch across the room. “Sometimes, you just have to learn how to deal with what life throws you.”

“That’s kind of a pessimistic way to see the world, isn’t it?” Harry asks, taking a sip of tea. Louis remembers how he takes his tea. Harry’s heart breaks a little.

“No, I think it’s just realistic. You can’t keep living in a dream world; there are consequences and you have to deal with them.”

Harry is struck by just how much Louis has changed. The cheerful, snarky, giggling boy he’d met at university was now a callous realist. What had happened to shake his body of all the joy that had once been there?

“That’s your opinion, and its bull. But, I’m tired so I don’t want to argue anymore.” Harry flips himself onto his back, drawing the blankets up to his chin.

“Of course!” Niall says, jumping up from his seat, “sorry to keep you up! Do you want Lou’s room? Or—“

“No, I’m fine here. Thanks,” Harry sniffles, smiling at the eager man.

Niall nods, taking Zayn’s hand. “C’mon, Lou, let the poor guy sleep.”

Louis nods, barely sparing Harry another look before making his way up the stairs. Suddenly, Harry is alone and sick, in more ways than one.

**************

When Harry wakes up, light is streaming through the windows to create patterns across the living room. For three guys in their late twenties, the room was rather tidy and well-organized. When Harry had wandered into Louis’ flat back in school, the space was a disaster; clothes strewn across the floor, knick knacks lining the shelves, and tattered posters flopping off the walls, only to be strapped back up with stickers or loose tape. This room looks like an actual adult had an idea for a theme and proceeded to set up a functional-yet-stylish floorplan. Harry is in awe.

But, even from their short interaction the night before, Harry knows Louis has changed. Maybe he met someone who’s helped settle him down. Harry doesn’t really want to think that this new Louis is a product of someone else, but the idea is valid. Someone who Louis loves and respects enough to create a home together. Harry might be sick.

Before his mind has time to process any more detrimental thoughts, though, he hears a groaning from the stairs. Shuffling down, hair messy and eyes heavy, is the cuddliest Louis that Harry has ever seen. Fuzzy pants, a worn t-shirt, even little slippers on his little feet. Harry can’t look away from the sight.

“G’morning,” Louis mumbles, “tea?”

Harry just nods, fearing if he were to speak something terribly embarrassing would come out. Like “I want to cuddle you for hours” or “marry me.”

Louis returns with a cup of tea, handing it to an aching Harry. Taking a seat on the chair across from him, the two sit in silence as they sip tea and avoid eye contact. The tea is perfect, and Harry wouldn’t expect anything less. However, he would trade his tea and all his blankets to leave the awkward room, stale with uncomfortable energy.

As he finishes his cup, Harry begins to stand. “Well, thanks for letting me stay here, but I really ought to get home.” Much to his chagrin, when he stands the world begins to sway and he tumbles right back down onto the couch.

“Hell no, mate,” Louis says, speaking up. His voice is still raspy with sleep, and even through his aching muscles, his chest constricts with butterflies. “We’ve got to get you to a doctor. There’s no way I’m letting you just walk home.”

“No, really, it’s fine—“

“Harry, I swear to god if you try to politely decline another request I will dump my tea on your head,” Louis sniffs, grinning when Harry abruptly closes his mouth. “That’s better. Now, let’s see about getting you to a doctor.”

After getting dressed, Louis shoves Harry into his car and drives him to a doctor’s office across town. In the waiting room, Harry struggles through a few more coughs with Louis patting him on the back a few times. Harry would like to say that he didn’t lean into the warm hand a few times, but all too soon Louis would pull away, leaving Harry to hide his blush with another cough.

“Style?” A nurse calls, and Harry abruptly stands only to be caught with another wave of nausea. Luckily, Louis catches his waist—or unluckily. Harry has yet to decide if the nausea is worse than the butterflies and blushes.

Harry follows the nurse into a patient room, Louis electing to stay in the waiting area.

“So, Mr. Styles,” the nurse begins, “what seems to be the problem?”

Harry answers with a round of full-body coughs. The nurse feels his forehead and smiles.

“Ah, probably pneumonia. Let me get Dr. Edison, and she’ll give you the diagnosis. But, it’s most likely pneumonia, given the time of year.”

Harry just groans as the nurse closes the door behind her. Pneumonia means he’ll probably not be able to work for a few days, maybe even have to stay home from school. And he was supposed to take Kira again over the weekend! Harry’s eyes fly open as he remembers that Kira was there when he was feeling ill. Before he can get caught up in his thoughts, the door begins to open, and Harry sees a smiling face peak in.

 “Hi, love, I’m Dr. Edison, but you can call me Leah,” the doctor says, giving Harry a slight nod.  “I’ve just got a few tests to do to confirm pneumonia, and then I’ll send you on your way with a prescription.”

Harry nods, and spends a few minutes being poked and prodded by Leah’s gentle hands. When she confirms his diagnosis, she hands him a prescription for antibiotics, telling him to get it filled as soon as possible.

Harry waves goodbye, finding Louis nodding off in the waiting room.

“Uh, Louis?” He asks, carefully nudging the boy’s shoulder. “I’m, er, done.”

Louis startles awake, blearily rubbing his eyes. “Sorry about that. Ok, so time to fill your prescription, yeah?”

“Louis, I can get it filled later. Really, I’ve already been too much of an imposition,” Harry mumbles, shuffling his feet.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Harold,” Louis scoffs.

Harry freezes at the use of his old nickname. Louis blushes, continuing as if nothing had happened.

“We’re already out and the pharmacy is rather close. Besides, the medicine should help clear you up faster, yeah?”

Harry continues to argue as Louis steers him towards the car, mumbling about stubborn boys.

Wrinkling the paper in his hands, Harry sits through the awkward silence as they drive to the pharmacy.

“So,” Louis begins after a few moments, “how’ve you been?”

“Uh, alright, I guess. I’m getting a masters, in music theory.”

“Oh, that’s cool.”

“Well…do you like it?” Louis’ hands grip the wheel.

“I mean, yeah, it’s nice. It’s still school, though.” Harry gives a little laugh that sounds fake even to him.

The silence returns and Harry looks out the window. The picturesque snow from the night before now just looks drab and ugly, piled up with dirt along the road.

They pull up to the pharmacy, Harry insisting that Louis stay in the car. He needs a minute to think about the situation and come to terms with what’s happening. As he stands in line, his mind is stuck on the idea of Louis coming back into his life. Louis, who hurt Harry so much so many years ago, back to laugh and smile and interact with Harry.

Right after the breakup, Harry had spiraled. Not academically, of course—his grades were pristine as always for his final semester. But emotionally, he became distant. Liam was nervous, always treating him like glass when he returned from class to dive under his covers. He rarely ate, never met new people, and avoided any romantic situations.

When Gemma had Kira, she and Liam devised a plan to give Harry something new to focus on. Harry would watch Kira every once in a while, visiting as often as he could. He channeled all his frustration and lethargy into helping Kira grow, and she in turn gave him a sense of hope.

Now, he was a different person. He was more secure, more adept, and more confident. He didn’t know how Louis would fit into that equation.

**************

After another awkward ride, Harry arrives at the house he shares with Liam. An awkward wave to Louis and he sprints inside, hoping to curl up under an electric blanket for eternity.

“Harry!” Liam shouts as Harry bursts in the door. “I’ve been waiting for you to get home? Did you not check your phone at all?”

Harry pulls his phone out of his pocket, seeing the four missed calls and dozen texts.

“We have to get you to the doctors, you don’t look too good!” Liam chastises.

“Actually,” Harry replies, rubbing his neck, “Louis took me? And I’ve also got some meds so I’m good for now.”

“Wait, Louis as in the weird quiet guy from Niall and Zayn’s house?” Harry nodded. “Sheesh, why were you hanging out with him?”

Harry sits down on the couch, across from Liam. “Remember at uni, that semester I was a wreck?”

Liam nods. “Obviously. Do I get to find out why you were so off?”

“Yeah, well,” Harry clears his throat. How was he supposed to simultaneously come out to his best friend of ten years and also explain his secret relationship? “So, Louis was at school too.”

“Wait, that was Louis Tomlinson? The footie star?” Liam grins. “Damn! I’ll have to have a chat with him sometime!”

“I’d advise against that, seeing as he’s my ex.”

Liam looks at him in shock. Before Harry knew what was happening, the entire story came tumbling out of his mouth, all of his emotions and pent up reactions. His young love, their shouting match at the party, everything. Luckily, Liam was silent throughout the story. When he finished, Harry felt drained, but also free. As if he could be himself, finally.

“Harry, I—“

“Liam, it’s okay. I mean, it’s in the past now, and I’ve obviously gotten over it—“

Liam lunges towards him and pulls Harry into his arms, hugging him tight. “I can’t believe you hid this from me! I love you, Harry and nothing could ever change that. You’re such an incredible person and now I want to kill Louis.”

Harry gave a laugh, surprised to find tears in his eyes. “I don’t think that’ll be necessary, Liam. We’ve moved on. I don’t want to bring up the past.”

Liam keeps giving him these big, sad eyes that Harry can’t stand. “Fine, but I still feel upset. Why didn’t I know about this?”

Harry shrugs. “I never wanted to talk about it. Besides. It wasn’t a big deal.”

“Harry, if you say something about how it’s in the past one more time I will throw your blankets out the window.”

Harry stays silent, but gives Liam a smile.  They sit in silence before Liam is sufficiently uncomfortable and leaves to work out, instructing Harry to take his medicine.

The medicine, as Harry finds out, has some side effects that make Harry feel lovely and floaty. He can’t remember that he’s sick because his fingers are tingling, and his mind wandering across the universe. Sitting in the middle of the living room floor, he makes a decision. He needs to talk to Louis.

With great care, he pulls out his phone and types a careful text to Liam. Liam knows everything, and can probably make Louis teleport here. Harry is sure of this. Sadly, Liam responds:

_I don’t have his number, do you want Niall’s? But you shouldn’t be texting him, he’s not worth it._

Liam is silly, Harry decides, but he accepts Niall’s number and proceeds to sing along to the dial tone as he waits for Niall to pick up.

“Hello?”

“Niiiiiaaaaaaaaaalllll,” Harry sings, flopping onto the ground, “you, you are Louis’ friend! Give me to him….please.”

“Who is this?” Niall seems confused. Harry must rectify that.

“Well, old chap,” he says in a posh accent, sitting back up. “It is I, Harold E. Styles. Remember? I slept at your house! We sang songs!” He begins a rousing rendition of ‘O Christmas Tree’, but Niall cuts him off.

“Oh yeah, um, are you okay? You sound kinda…off?”

“I am perfectly perfect! But, I need to talk to Louis. Then, I will be even perfect-er!” Harry motions with his hands, knocking pillows off the couch.

“Er, okay, I’ll put him on.” There’s some shuffling around and soon Harry hears that Niall has been transformed into Louis!

“Harry? What do you need?”

“Louis!” Harry cries, infinitely happier, “I found you!”

“Uh, yeah? Are you calling drunk?”

“No, silly,” Harry chastises. Louis is so silly. “I’m medicationing. Remember when we went to the doctors? You were asleep and it was cute. You are so cute.”

“Harry,” Louis begins hesitantly, “I think you should lie down.”

Harry agrees before rolling over onto his back. “I am. We should talk about you and me. Me and you. We and us. Wait—that doesn’t make sense!” He giggles. “You hurt me! And it wasn’t fun.”

“Are we really going to do this now?” Louis groans, and Harry hopes he’s okay. “I mean, I get that we have to talk about it, but can’t we do it another day? When you’re not hopped up on meds?”

“No! Because you hurt me, and that wasn’t okay. Also, I lost Liam.” Now Harry is sad. He lost his Louis and his Liam. He needs to put them on a leash. Then he won’t lose them.

“Harry, are you safe? And I never meant to hurt you—“

“Yes you did. You left!”

“You were pressuring me into a relationship! I wasn’t ready! Seriously, though are you safe?”

“Of course I am. You…you were scared! And you didn’t love me!” Harry feels tears in his eyes and he wipes them away. Louis responds, but Harry doesn’t hear because Liam is suddenly there.

“Harry? What’s wrong?” Liam asks, helping Harry to stand up.

“Louis hurt me!” Harry shouts, holding up the phone. Liam takes it, muttering apologies to Louis before hanging up.

“Harry, I told you not to talk to him.” Liam helps carry Harry to his room. “Why don’t you sleep this off, and hopefully you’ll feel better tomorrow.”

Harry nods and sighs. “I miss him so much.”

“I know,” Liam repsonds, pulling the blankets up to Harry’s chin. Harry falls asleep dreaming of blue eyes and soft kisses.

**************

A few days pass and Harry’s world changes. Apparently, Liam and Niall supported the same footie team and suddenly became friends. A group began to form, much to Harry’s dismay, which involved outings to bars and cafes where Harry and Louis would awkwardly avoid each other, only chiming into the conversation when necessary.

Liam always asked if Harry was okay with the situation, but Harry knew Liam loved his new friends, and he couldn’t take that away from him. Harry would just suffer through a few uncomfortable interactions, and Louis would do the same. It wasn’t the best scenario, but neither wanted to disappoint their new friends.

Liam had planned a get together at their house to watch the Chelsea vs. Man U match, and Harry was in charge of the snacks. Walking down the grocery store aisle with Kira in tow, he spots Louis looking carefully at some ice cream. Before he has a chance to turn away, Kira spots him as well.

“It’s the candy man!” She shrieks, running forward. “Thank you, mister, for the candy! It was delicious! And for taking care of Hair-man!” She gave an odd little bow, and Louis smiled.

“Well you, little lady, had a beautiful singing voice!” He bows in response. Harry doesn’t find it endearing. Not at all.

“Kira,” he calls, as he and Louis make eye contact. “Er, hi Louis.”

“Harry,” Louis responds, his eyes dulling a bit. “Um, I’ll see you tonight, I guess?”

“Yeah, Liam’s super excited to have you guys over.”

Louis turns to Kira, “I’m excited to meet the lovely lady’s mother as well!”

Harry freezes. “What? No, no, no. Kira’s my niece. Um, she’s Gemma’s daughter, yeah.”

“Oh,” Louis says, awkwardly. “Sorry, I just assumed…”

“Yeah…”

Harry looks down, but hears heels clicking and sees a lithe woman with wavy, brown hair walk over to Louis and put her head on his shoulder. “Hey, love,” she says, smiling, “who’s this?”

“Um, this is Harry, he’s one of Niall’s new friends.”

Harry nods, trying to put on a smile while his insides twist into knots. “Nice to meet you,” he says, holding out his hand. “And you are?”

“I’m Eleanor, Louis’ girlfriend.”

“Oh, Louis never mentioned a girlfriend,” Harry says, trying to control his shaking hands.

“He’s not really one for emotional talk,” Eleanor replies, giggling. “But I love him anyways.”

Harry tries to catch Louis’ eye but he looks away. “Well, it was lovely to meet you, but we’ve got to go. Bye!” Steering Kira away from the couple, Harry controls his breathing as they check out.

“Hair-man,” Kira asks, carrying a bag of potato chips nearly the size of her head, “are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Kiwi,” he says, smiling. “We’re going to drop these bags off with Liam and then go back to your house, okay?”

Dropping the food off at the house, Harry explains to Liam that he’s going to spend the evening with Gemma.

“Is this about Louis? Harry, if it’s bothering you, you should’ve said something!” Liam says as Harry unloads the groceries.

“No, Liam, it’s not just that. I mean, yeah, that’s part of it, but also I miss Gemma and want to hang out with her for a night. Tell Niall and Zayn I say hi, yeah?”

Liam nods and Harry leaves, driving across town to Gemma’s flat. When he opens the door, he sees her husband, Chris, cooking dinner.

“Hey, Harry! And Kira!”

Kira lets go of Harry’s hand and runs to her dad’s arm. As the two reconnect, Gemma walks in. Catching one look at Harry’s despondent face, she pulls him into her bedroom.

“Chris,” she calls, “make an extra plate for Harry! He’ll be eating with us tonight.”

As the siblings settle onto the bed, Gemma pulls a blanket around herself. “So, H, what’s wrong?”

Like with Liam, the whole story spills out. His relationship with Louis, the breakup, meeting him again, and meeting Eleanor.

“And now, now we’re something of friends and I don’t know what to do! I think…” his voice grows quiet. “I think I’m still in love with him? Seeing him again has made it all worse! Gems, what do I do?”

Gemma pulls him into a close hug and kisses his forehead. “Harry, you know I love you, and I am so sorry you went through this. But, you have to just be strong. That sounds like stupid advice, but that was all in your past. It’s being dredged up now, and that sucks, but life is going to go on. You are going to get your degree and become a fancy producer, and Louis will go wherever his life takes him. It’s hard to let go of people when they had such an impact on your life, but if you try to make an effort to move on, you’ll be rewarded.”

She smiles at him. “Do you think you could be friends with him? From what you tell me, it doesn’t sound like you know him well enough to make any rash decisions about your emotions. It might turn out that you aren’t in love with him anymore and that it’s just the remains of your old feelings. Why not try to get to know him? And Eleanor? She might be lovely and wonderful and not as awful as you make her out to be.”

Harry nods. “Still, I don’t want to go to the party tonight,” he says.

“Of course. You’re having dinner with us! Chris is making stir fry; you’ll love it!”

Cuddling into her side, Harry chats with Gemma about other, less emotional topics until Chris calls them for dinner. Maybe, he decides as he laughs and jokes with Gemma and her family, he doesn’t need Louis romantically. Maybe they could try being friends.

**************

A few weeks of awkward hang-outs continue. Harry at least makes an effort to talk to Louis, but the other man always mutters a few words of greeting before turning to his phone, not looking away the entire evening.

Then one outing, and everything changes. He brings Eleanor.

Harry had only heard the others mention Eleanor in passing since their fated meet at the supermarket, and he definitely wasn’t prepared to see her hanging off Louis’ arm as they stroll into the bar.

Liam, sensing Harry’s hesitance, immediately stands up and introduced himself, moving the couple down the table and away from Harry. Taking a deep breath, Harry tries to enjoy his evening, but he is hyperaware of Eleanor’s giggles and Louis’ conversation. Everything seemed to be going well, until Louis saw some mates across the bar and Eleanor sit down next to Harry.

“You’re Harry, right? Louis said you guys went to uni together,” she begins, smiling cordially at him.

Harry nods, unable to think of anything to say. How does one talk to the new girlfriend of their former love? “Uh, yeah, I mean, we were friends, yeah.”

“Nice, he told me you were getting your masters, yeah? Music theory? That’s really interesting.”

“Yeah, I like it. I guess.” He takes a sip of his beer.

Eventually, Eleanor pokes and prods him enough to get a conversation out of him. Once Harry stops thinking of her as Louis’ girlfriend, he discovers that she’s a really wonderful girl. Turns out, she’s interested in music production, so they talk about their shared music interests and fashion. Much to his dismay, Eleanor was a charming, funny, sweet, and lovely girl. She had dreams and inspirations and Harry was enamored. Louis had chosen well.

Coming to this realization, he quickly excuses himself and rushed to the bathroom, just as Louis is returning to the table.

“Harry?” he calls out, but Harry just rushes past, needing to get away from everyone.

Falling into a stall, Harry quickly locks the door and tries to control his breathing. He feels like he did all those years ago: his life falling apart with no one else to notice.

The door bangs open, and through his haze, Harry hears Louis’ hesitant voice. “Harry? Are you okay?”

“I’m—um, I’m fine. Sorry, just a little sick, sorry,” Harry whispers, hiding his choked voice.

“Harry, don’t lie to me, okay?”

With a sniffle, Harry clicks open the lock. Days from now, he won’t remember what makes him open the door to let Louis in, but something shifts in him. He can move on, and he can get himself together for Louis.

When he hears the door click, Louis yanks the door open and catches a glimpse of Harry’s crumpled form. “What happened?”

This is it. The moment that will define Harry’s life. “Sorry,” he muttered, trying to look presentable. “I just want to tell you that I’m really happy for you and Eleanor. She’s a great girl, and you guys are wonderful together. I—er, I hope you have a nice life. Really, I do.” And to Harry’s dismay, he did mean it. He wanted Louis to be happy, and if Eleanor gave him that joy, then Harry wouldn’t get in the way.

He looks up and sees that Louis has tears in his own eyes. “Harry—what happened at that party—“

“Louis, it doesn’t matter.”

“No,” Louis cuts in, “it _does_ matter! That’s the thing. I was such an asshole, I ruined your last semester of college, and you tell me you want me to be happy? How—how can you _say_ that?”

“Because it’s true,” Harry says, looking Louis straight in the eye. “Yes, you fucked up, but…but we’re different people now. We’ve moved on.”

“Are you really trying to convince me you’ve moved on when you’re crying in a bathroom stall?” Louis asks, raising an eyebrow. “I mean fuck, Harry can’t you even get angry at me for once?” He pokes Harry in the chest, and that’s the last straw.

Suddenly, Harry flares up, letting himself feel the anger he’s hidden for so long under the guise of moving on. He deserves more, and Louis hurt him. Louis needs to know how much he hurt him.

“Do you know what the worst part was?” Harry asks, voice low and trembling. “The fact that you were so blasé about the whole affair. Like, you didn’t understand the effect that you had on me! You were my first real relationship, and you threw me aside like some dirty little secret that should never see the light of day!"

Harry watches as the shock begins to form on Louis’ face. “Harry…that was a bad time for me, you have to understand! I mean, I was struggling…and you were my release. Then—how do I say this—my dreams were too big and I wasn’t good enough—“

“So you chose some pipe dream over me?”

“No! I mean—“ Louis is flustered, that much is obvious. But Harry doesn’t have it in him to be too kind.

“You made your choice, and it broke my heart.” He takes a breath. “But I really _have_ gotten over it. Or, I had, until you showed up in my life.”

Somehow, Harry stood up and now meets Louis, eye-to-eye, still in the tiny stall. A thought runs through his head, and he realizes that Louis is a few inches shorter than him. His eyes still sparkle as blue as they did long ago, but this time they’re sparkling with tears instead of happiness.

“I…there’s nothing for me to say except I’m sorry. I regret everything I did to you, and I can’t imagine the pain you’ve been through,” Louis whispers, completely broken. “Is there any way we could be friends?”

Harry is shocked. “No, Louis, we can’t be. There’s nothing left between us but old memories and pain.”

Louis nods, stepping away from Harry. “Well, then, I’ll see you later, I guess.” He gives a weak smile, and Harry watches as this time, Louis walks away from him.

**************

Harry wouldn’t tell Liam what was wrong, that night, but they went home, Harry crawled into bed, and it was like their last semester all over again. Liam is positive it had something to do with that night at the bar, but Harry won’t speak.

He barely eats, never leaves the house, and sleeps for most of the day. Never talking, and barely thinking. Harry wants to erase his past from his mind forever. There’s no point in remembering something so awful, right? Sure, someone might give some bullshit about becoming a better person or learning from mistakes, but this was more than a mistake. This was rubbing salt into an open wound.

Gemma had tried bringing Kira over a few times, but the little girl never cheers up Harry like his sister hopes. In the end, it’s nearly a month before Harry even speaks to Liam.

He comes shuffling out of his room one morning, blanket curled around his neck.

“Liam,” he says, voice raspy from disuse. “I’m sorry. You were right, and I’m sorry.”

“Oh, Harry,” Liam replies, abandoning his cereal in favor of hugging Harry, “I never wanted this to happen. I’m so sorry I was right, love, what can I do for you?”

Harry shrugs. “Turn back time? Bring back what once was mine?”

Liam grins. “Quoting Tangled? You’re really feeling better, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, I mean, I really am sorry. I guess I just let my feelings overtake me, y’know?” He sits down in a chair. “Have you kept in touch with Niall and Zayn?”

Liam grimaces, sitting back down and pushing aside his bowl. “About that…apparently Louis is as bad as you, if not worse. Niall called me a few days ago freaking out, saying Louis had barricaded himself in the bathroom and wouldn’t leave. He’s taking it pretty hard, I guess.”

Harry’s confused. “Wait, but what about Eleanor? Like, she’s so good for him, surely she can comfort him?”

“Apparently they broke up a few weeks ago. Something about distance. Eleanor took a job in Milan, and they didn’t want to deal with such a difficult relationship barrier, I dunno.”

Shocked, Harry tries to wrap his mind around that idea. “I mean, even if Eleanor _is_ out of the picture, I don’t think he can fix this. _I_ can’t even fix this. We’ve…we’ve fucked up too much, Liam. We’re different people now, and I don’t know if we would even work.” Harry still can barely comprehend that he’s talking about a relationship with Louis. “I don’t even know if he’s bi, would he want to be out?”

“According to Niall and Zayn, Louis’ been out for years. Ever since he decided not to go pro and went into coaching; he even had a boyfriend,” Liam replies, smiling.

Harry can’t believe Louis never mentioned something like this. All this time, Harry thought he was still the nervous closet-case, when he just didn’t have the whole story. But, did that make up for the months of disaster following their short relationship?

“I can’t imagine he’d still want to be with me, though,” Harry says, frowning. “I mean, we fought a lot that night, and it kinda seems like our relationship was built on secrecy? Like, I don’t know if we could even work.”

“Take a chance, then.” Liam grins. “Yeah, it might end up bad, but you have to take this chance. I remember, even though I didn’t know it was because of Louis, but that semester you were together was probably the happiest I’ve ever seen you. I know Gemma would agree, and if you could have the chance to replicate that, then why not take it?”

With a kiss to his forehead, Liam stands up. “Just, think about it,” he says, walking out of the room.

And Harry does. He thinks about his life and the lengths he’s gone to in order to create a feeling of protection from his past. He’s only dated a few people, spends most of his time studying or working, and never tries new things. His life is safe. Maybe, just maybe, he deserves a little risk.

Breaking from his thoughts, Harry feels a draft coming from the living room. Walking to investigate, he sees an open window. Normally, Liam would never do something as idiotic as leaving the window open in sub-zero temperatures, but Harry hears a twinkling sound coming from outside, so he goes to see three figures standing in the snow outside his window.

“ _This is my winter song._  
December never felt so wrong,  
‘cause you’re not where you belong  
inside my arms.”

The song flows from Louis, standing in a fuzzy coat, flanked by Niall and Zayn as snow falls lightly. Niall strums a basic tune on his guitar, and Zayn stands, looking grumpy, as his hair deflates from the snow. When he sees Harry, though, he gives a wide smile and motions to Louis, who steps forward.

“ _I’ll be your harvester of light_  
and send it out tonight  
so we can start again

 _Is love alive?_  
Is love alive?  
Is love alive?”

Harry starts to cry, but for the first time in a while, it’s with happy tears. He sniffles and gives Louis a smile who winks as he continues to sing. They’ve still got problems, and they’ve got a long way to go, but maybe they can make this work.

Harry sure as hell is going to try.


End file.
